i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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