Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
two words: eviction party
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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