i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
