He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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