He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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