Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
