Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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