you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
