My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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