Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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