new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
