Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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