you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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