woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
