Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
