I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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