I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
