I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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