Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
