We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
