He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
