If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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