my phone needs a breathalizer
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
