i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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