college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
