Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
