Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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