I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
