I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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