finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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