Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
