So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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