i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
