i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
