Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
