You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
