if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
