Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So vagazzling was a success
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
