Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
