You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
