Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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