he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
