i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
