I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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