sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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