captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
