why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
