My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
