I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
