Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Randomize
