Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
