Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize