you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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