I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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