I think I won the penis lottery.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
