everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
