The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
