my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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